03 July 2013
I just had an "Awe Moment" on my drive home tonight. Seeing the amazing mountains of Alaska, the green trees, the sun peaking out of the rain clouds. Getting off work from a job I absolutely love. Getting to share a coffee with my best friend and then going to dinner with some amazing friends.
I'm going to Europe for 2 months with my dear friend Amy. ...Just because we can!!!
I don't know how I have both the most amazing family and all of the most amazing friends in the world. I literally might be the most blessed person I know. I do not know why I am not continually aware of this.
I get so wrapped up in my "problems" -But this happened in Israel, this happened in Africa, I got my heart broken and people aren't always what they seem.
I have been freaking out for years now. "why does this and that have to happen? Why couldn't I have done this better or dealt with this a certain way?" I have let things stack up so much that it's not just one issue I need to deal with, it's all my tiny questions and worries rolled into one ginormous pile. So much to the point where I can't even be alone with myself. I either have to have music on or some other form of distraction for fear of thinking about things and actually have to process and deal with them. Its so much easier to stuff them away.
Anyway, it got to the point where my best friend basically made me go to counseling. Talk about feeling like a crazy! I was sitting in the office thing to myself -is this where I have let my life get to? I'm so out of control that I actually need professional help?
I told my counselor all the points in my life that have had an affect on my. Because I know exactly what they are. I cried and cried and cried. I had it stuffed for a reason. Because I don't like talking about it.
And when I left, I realized that that was the first time I had really been able to categorize the pain in my life in an orderly and non-confusing way. This happened, then that and next this. By themselves they don't seem to be that major. But when you heap them all into one huge pile and just stair at it, it feels like a bigger issue than you are capable of dealing with.
I was waiting on my counselor to give me some earth shattering advice. Something that would turn my world upside down and change my life forever. But she didn't say anything I didn't already know or anything that Amanda hadn't told me already. And it dawned on me that I and I alone am the only one that can decide when wallowing in my past is enough. That at some point I have to except that I may never understand things fully and that thats okay. That I have the power to decide my future, to decide my outlook and to decide what I am going to carry around as baggage and what I am going to leave behind and learn something from.
Every time I turn around I'm shocked by what this world thinks is okay. How people hurt others without even a care in the world it seems. And I just can't help but think, where did these people grow up?!! I feel like people look out for themselves and themselves alone. And not to say that I haven't hurt anyone, because I know I have, but I feel like I'm at least always trying to look out for others. "How would I feel if I were in this situation? And how would I want to be treated?" Anyways, something happened recently where I was once again found myself disappointed by someone. And it was to the point where I was so pissed that I decided I was sick of looking out for everyone's best interest. Because clearly no one was looking out for me. I have to continually watch my back while at the same time trying to watch out for everyone else in the process.
I was telling Amanda how I was sick of trying, sick of always trying to make the right choices, sick of trying to take the high road, sick of trying to be a good example and sick of trying to be a strong person. NO ONE else seems to be trying! I look around and all I see are people going with the flow! Doing whatever the heck they want! And that is what I want to do, because trying to be a "good person" all the time is too hard! It's so hard in this crazy would.
And Amanda looks at me and says something along the lines of, "that's what the world does!!! They don't know any better! You do!" ....Oh.
I get so busy with life that before I know it I haven't sat down and prayed in months! And reading the bible? Forget it. I'm too busy listening to songs like Bump & Grind and Popping Tags that I don't even think about it. I'm just killing one day at a time. And that is not what I want for my life.
So my "Awe Moment" as I was driving home tonight was this -My life is what I make it. Period. I can decide for myself how happy I want to be. I get to choose what I stress about and let drag me down. I have more blessings in my life that I can even count! And I am loved!!!!! I don't have to carry around anything I don't want. I get to decide how I deal with everything. If I want to walk around with all my baggage, then I can walk around hurt and pissed off at the world. But if I want to walk around with a genuine smile on my face, truly happy, I can leave my problems at the cross. Its my choice! Cry a little about it, and move on.
Do you ever feel like just closing your eyes, stretching out your arms and just letting everything fall away? Those are the moments when I realize that nothing else in the world matters but God. To just be able to breath.
So, no more stupid Pop'n Tag songs just to distract myself from life. I want to get back on track and listen to what God has for me. Even if it is the more difficult way. I don't want to look like the rest of the world. Because my excuse of "everyone else is doing it or acting this or that way" is not going to cut it. I am solely responsible for my actions and no one else is going to answer for me.